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The Truth about Maybes

Why is his sudden and unexpected demise affecting me so much? It feels so much like a personal loss even though there is nothing personal about it. So why? Because he was a good actor? Of course, I liked his acting. But I am not a movie buff, not even his fan. So this can't be the case. Is it because he was a good looking guy, so full of life? Well, that was definitely something that drew a lot of people including me. But that is not strong enough to affect me this deep. Then what is it?

Is it because he comes from a family just like any one of us? Maybe yes. His is just like any family of us, with the same old childhood, same old teen stuff. Is it also because he focused on education just like any one of us? Maybe yes. He was a bright student, a successful one if I could say so. With the intellect of a national-level rank holder, an Olympiad topper. His write-ups were things I could relate. Well, some, most of it if not all. A Physics fanatic with the dream of becoming an astronaut.

Is it also because he kept and talked a lot about his bucket list - the wishlist of 50 colorful dreams he wanted to accomplish at some point of time? Maybe yes. I too have my own list of dreams I want to live some day. And I have been accomplishing them one at a time. I can relate to the plannings, the research he had in order to fulfill those dreams.

Is it also because he used to pen musings or sort of poems reflecting on life, stardusts, souls and the likes? Maybe yes. I could see the points, junctions of mutual mention and admiration in his jotted words. It's very much like talking to him through those words.

Is it also because he was a self-made man who struggled his own path to reach where he was? Maybe yes. Self-made individuals are the ones I genuinely look up to. And I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by some of them. That gives so much room for new learning.

All these maybes above are for real. With the departing of this guy, I have witnessed the silent departure of those maybes. And the slow death of those unfulfilled dreams from that incomplete bucket list. I will never be able to see and feel life reflecting from that infectious smile and those sparkling eyes. His eyes always processed a different, calming pain to me. His eyes could smile, yes. The guy with an enormous telescope is gone. I wonder how he used to feel watching those distant stars, the actual stars of the sky. Was he trying, at times, to look for and spot his long-gone mother amidst those stars, trying to find solace in her invisible presence or rather guidance? Just like I used to do for a dear departed soul? My wonders won't get any answer. Yes, I am deeply affected by the sudden demise of this unknown yet familiar soul, and I have my reasons known and unknown. Yes, it feels very much like a personal loss, like the loss of someone of my own. And it pains so much to swallow that feeling. It will take me some time to get over this void. But I wonder if it will ever be a complete recovery from this void. Never, I guess.
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