Some incidents shake you up to the core. And for a long time. Simply because you feel sad about it, or you can relate to it. Depression, mental health - these are not simply words to feel bad about. They are real, harsh, they shake you up too, and try to throw you away and out in so many ways. As humans we cannot be strong all the time, every single day. We do come across, at some point or the other in life, those moments of intensity when we tend to take some drastic steps, make drastic decisions. At that very point of time, nothing really matters except what you want for your own self. It is the time when you talk directly to the self, one on one, eye to eye. I don't know how many have experienced such moments but I did. And a few times. For different yet related reasons. Reasons that made me question the self. Reasons that shook the self, the very essence of my existence. Reasons that clearly were destroying that very essence. Reasons that made me realize I was losing the self slowly and I could not do anything to save it, let alone keeping it intact. And it went for years, repeating the same old story. That's when I started talking to the self. Directly. More frequently. Asking it what exactly it wants. Asking it to hold on. Asking it to fight back. Assuring it that I am there for it in all of it. Of course, talking to a friend or close one helps. Reaching out to someone helps. But not all are fortunate to have such people in life. Not all are programmed to talk that easily about the deepest pain. I belong to the second group.
So, the fight went on for years as I suffered silently. But I decided to stay alone in it and fight it. That was risky, I know. But then, I wanted to have my back, a stronger back. I had a cousin and a few friends aware and concerned about whatever I was going through time and again. Well, mostly so. But even they were not able to measure the intensity of it since I did not bare it all. I could not. That time, those years were tough, but a learning period with slow processing. I did go through those intense moments of taking a drastic step many a times. Please read and understand the possible connotations of a drastic step. Those moments that told me I am not worth anything good, I am unable to find any solution to the invisible problems surrounding me, I am going through some sort of punishment for crimes I have never committed. So on and so forth.
But I let those moments build me whichever way they wanted. During those years, I knew I was losing the self, my essence slowly. Whatever work, job I was doing was telling me I am not in my self. I was losing interest in things I used to love doing, just because the self was getting weaker, losing the mental energy to make any effort to change it, to change the course of time. At the end of every single day, I used to tell myself that I will overcome this, I will get my essence back. It needed patience, solitary and mental space to reflect, introspect, retrospect, basically some alone time to update the self what it is going through and what it really wants. And of course, it needed more self-talk.
For years, I could hold on to that slipping essence. Whoever I came across at that time keep telling me now that I have changed a bit. Those who have no idea what I was going through when I met them. They see the change because I eventually found my self, my essence back. The one they met was the fighter struggling hard in silence. I am my own self now. And I emerged stronger. Those years are gone. But whenever I get even a small hint of that intensity of taking a drastic step (remember it can be anything), I know how to direct the self to move where. Again, these directions are for my own self. I cannot make others do the same. Nor even guarantee that it will work for them the same way it did for me. Every one of us has a journey and ways of fulfilling that journey. What works for me won't work for you. What makes me weak might make you strong. Hence, the strings of judgments are totally cut off. I won't judge you and expect the same from you.
This sounds harsh but the very truth of our life - we are on our own, every one of us. No matter how lucky you are to have the back of your family or friends or dear ones, ultimately it's you who must take the load of the mental baggage of yours, who must make the effort of dealing with the troubled emotions. And it's a continuous process. I still talk to my self. Every single day. About whatever the mind wants to talk, discuss, criticize, praise, anything, everything. But thinking of those years and those moments of intensity still shakes me up. It's healing now. But I may encounter such moments again, emerging from different emotional conditions. What I am quite certain about is the fact that I am on alert. To talk to my self, to read what others go through and feel the intensity, to listen to what others experience and participate in that intensity, and to talk to the self again to uplift it. Talking to the self is very important. Do it, you might end up finding the ways that can process and direct you to your right ways.
Keep talking. Keep taking care of your self.
Comments